Thank God Lent is almost over

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Doubt, faith, fear, God, Holy Week, Jesus, Lent, prayer, Trust

I have been in a deep funk for the most of Lent.  I have grown weary, very weary.  In fact I am having trouble hanging on to the promises from God.  I am having great difficulty in seeing that God has prepared a pathway for me. 

And so like a great saint of God, I prepared a PLAN B…. otherwise known as the Abraham and Hagar Plan…. and that plan is working out for me pretty much as well as for Abraham and Sarah.  It might still be viable if it stops unravelling, but it is filled with great difficulty, the greatest of which is that it will take me away from the region where the most work opportunities are available.

These past few months I have known despair, grief, pain, anxiety, doubt and FEAR.  Sooner or later something has to happen or I could find myself and my cat homeless on the street—okay maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration…. but it is what I feel.

At this point in time, the best I can say about my spiritual state is that I am paralyzed by indecision.  I don’t feel that I have the information I need and don’t feel a calling from God to move in a particular direction and in the meantime…. I need to speak with my landlord because I can’t afford to stay here at my current income level.  I have been hanging on only for the sake of the congregation I am currently working with. 

Added to that burden has been the deep concern I feel for others whose lives are also unravelling.  The only help we have to offer is going to make things worse in the short term, but hopefully make things perfect in the long term…. (logic I should be remembering for myself)

And I have been angry.  Not at God, although I am sure that being angry with him is a part of what I feel.  I am angry at people who don’t take advice.  I am angry at people who don’t listen.  Peveresly I am angry at people whom I expect to behave badly, because they do.  They haven’t let me down, they have done exactly what I knew they would, but there must have been some part of me that hoped that they would start to behave in a less slimy manner and actually do something right.  Silly me.

And I have been furious.  Furious that people seem to think they can walk all over my rights, make snide comments against me and get away with it.  And I have found a part of me that would so like to punish them soundly.  I understand the part of being angry enough in your heart to want to murder.

But what really is bothering me is that the cumulative effect of the above is making me forget who I am.  I am losing sight of the fact that I am a child of the Almighty God, and that my future—not to mention my present—is in his care.

For that reason when I read the bog…..Great Prayers from the Psalms, it seemed to me that this was a good time to stop and look at the promises that God makes and learn…AGAIN… to place my trust in Him.  After all he is in charge here.  Not those who cause trouble, not those who hold earthly power over my future. 

I know that I am blessed.  My friends are a great support.  My mother is overwhelmingly generous.  My daughter and my son-in-law make me cry with the depth of their love and caring.  And they are merely a small measure of the love that God pours out for me.

I have begun the exercise.  I have looked at the promises in these 10 Psalms.  I still fear, but I pray that God will take away my fear.  I am still angry, but I pray that God will show me how to behave with a holy anger.  I am still struggling to trust and believe, but I pray that God will help my doubt and show me how to find the faith to continue in trust. 

Am I there? Not yet.  But I have started walking down that road.  Will you walk with me?  Here are the 10 Psalms that are prayer promises, pray and see for yourself that God is good. 

But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain… Psalm 31

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.  Psalm 84

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.  Psalm 63

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.   Psalm 139

Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help. ”  Psalm 30

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.  Psalm 42

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  Psalm 23

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.  Psalm 91

The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing  Psalm 145

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

And for Holy Week this prayer, because I know that Jesus suffered far more than I the suffering I currently know and especially because I know that I am not blameless in all things, and that above all I need God’s mercy.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. Psalm 51

If you wish to check this blog in more detail, here is the link: 

http://www.beliefnet.com/iLoveJesus/Features/10-Great-Prayers-from-the-Psalms.aspx?utm_campaign=GlobalScope&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=JesusChristPage

Peace and blessings to all of you.  May Good Friday lead you out of the depths and into his glorous love. 

 

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Hosanna

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Acrostic, Christianity, God, Hosanna, Jesus, Palm Sunday, prayer, Religion, spirituality

 

Today is Palm Sunday, and we have sung our welcome to the King.  Whereas the English translation of Hosanna means an outpouring of praise, what it actually means in Hebrew is “save us” or “rescue us”.

And that is exactly what Jesus did.  He saved us from our sins.  He rescued us from death.  So let us sing his praise….Hosanna to the King of Kings.

 

Hosanna

Hosanna, blessed one of God, Come O offspring of David, come and rescue us we pray
Open our minds to hear your word, open our mouths to sing your praise, open our hearts to know your love
Save us from our sins and turn our hearts towards you in love and joyous obedience
Announce among us the coming of your kingdom
Number us among your chosen people
Name us as your followers and call us forth to show others the way
Appoint us as your cross bearers and we will walk with you all the way.

It must be Lent

The last week I have been reflecting on the differences between Lent and Advent.  Both are seasons of preparation, and both are exhausting.  But what happens in them is so very different.

There is a joyous expectation that comes with Advent.  And there  is exhaustion that comes with Advent, as we all give into the joyous rounds of parties and gatherings, and Christmas Luncheons.  Advent is usually filled with deep fellowship… in which bread is broken, carols are sung and bonds are forged.

I do realize that for many people Advent and Christmas are filled with great difficulty and anxiety.  I see it in them and I hold them in prayer and do my best to encourage them.  And so without lessening your Advent trials…. let me say that for me Advent is a joyous season, but Lent has it’s problems…

Lent….is oh so different.  It is also a season of preparation and of exhaustion.  But the similarities end there.  In Lent we prepare for the humbling and difficult journey to the cross.  There are no Lenten parties, and we don’t seem to get together in Lent, even as a church, like we do in Advent.  And the exhaustion, seems more spiritual and emotional than physical.

So the last few days this Litany has been running through my head….Some a reflection of where things are with me, but also with the Presbytery, and with the world in general.  

When people emerge from snow bound homes and start snapping at one another
It must be Lent

When short meetings grow long because much deeper issues are uncovered 
It must be Lent

When every one wants everything done now, before those who hibernated all winter take off on summer pursuits
It must be Lent

When trying to do the right thing and make someone’s life better only uncovers a depth of problems no one is prepared to face
It must be Lent

When you realize that the Lenten discipline you have attempted has gone the way of the dodo because the demands on your time are overwhelming
It must be Lent

When the tenuous hope for peace in the world breaks down into increased hostility
It must be Lent

When those who have suffered with ill health all winter embrace the coming of spring with a hastened step toward death
It must be Lent

When anger and betrayal become the normative way of life
It must be Lent

When crosses are erected on church lawns and you begin to wonder if one of them is for you
It must be Lent.

 I don’t know why this is, but for me Lent invariably becomes a time of heavy burdens, deep concern, seemingly unmagable problems and sheer exhaustion.  There are moments in Lent when only the thought that Easter is coming is what sustains me.  

The promise of Scripture is so important in these dark days….

Promises like:

joy comes in the morning

I will never leave you or forsake you

my peace I leave with you

my grace is sufficient for you

My love for you is so great that I sent my only son, to be your redemption….

Whatever it is about Lent that brings out the trials and difficulties of life for me, it is only by clinging to the Old Rugged Cross that I can see to the end of it.

And yet, I also wonder if Lent is meant to be this way.  Maybe the struggle of Lent, especially the spiritual struggle of Lent, is meant to be a way for us to start to grasp the depth of what Jesus suffered.

Disciples that didn’t listen and couldn’t understand.
The veiled hostility of the Temple leadership
The unending demands of those who swamped him daily for healing, for cleansing, for hope.
The pain of knowing that those who profess to love him will abandon him.
The heartbreak of knowing that one whom he trusted would betray him.
The agony and struggle of wanting to say no to God, but knowing that he must continue of the pathway.
The scandal of his arrest, trial and cruel crucifixion.
The emptiness of being cut off from God in death.

This gift of forgiveness and salvation cost Jesus more than we can ever begin to comprehend.  

That knowledge points to a greatness in God’s love, which is far greater than we can ever know.  

 

This time of spiritual pain is only temporary.
Thank God, it’s only Lent.  

Happy, one day late, blogiversary to me

Tags

Christianity, God, grace, Jesus, prayer, Religion, spirituality, Thank you

 

A year ago yesterday I started this blog.  At that time I was frustrated that there was so much I wanted to share about a life of prayer and there didn’t seem anyone who wanted to listen.  “Great”, I thought, “I’ll teach through a blog, and record my ongoing struggle and success in my own prayer life.”

 

 

When I started I thought that I would give myself a year and see if I could manage the daily discipline of blogging.  Okay, okay, stop the hysterical laughing already….. 

There have been some weeks when I blogged daily and some weeks when I didn’t blog at all.  But this life has settled into a sort of balance, wherein I blog a lot when things are tough, and a lot when I am overflowing with the strength of the Holy Spirit…. and not so much when things are… nhyeh….  Maybe that is because it is at the ends that I have so much to say.

So here I am a year later and I am so grateful for this experience.  I have learned so much about myself and about God.  I have learned so much about the power of prayer.  I have encountered grace.

More than that I have encountered community.  I didn’t expect that.  I expected that some family and friends would read. I expected that some people would stop by and read from time to time.  But I did not expect to develop community with other bloggers.  And wow, am i thrilled.

Thank you to all of you who have prayed with me and for me.  Thank you for letting me into you life and moving me to tears and to prayer.  Thank you to those of you whose blogs make me think that you are inside my head.  The grace of God is so evident when we write about the same things and the same struggles.  

So here I am a year older, a year wiser and a year stronger in the Lord.

 

As I embark on my second year, I know that my desire is the same as the day I started.  On that day I wrote:

Come journey with me as I try to pray, and may we discover God’s grace together.

Love, blessings and peace to all of you…..Ena

Environment

Tags

Christianity, God, grace, Jesus, love, Peace, prayer, Religion, spirituality

There have been a lot of changes in the building complex where I live.  People have moved out and their absence was noted.  Units have been vacant for long periods and the silence made this place seem lonely.  And then new people started moving in and the feeling of the place changed yet again.

Next door to me used to be a quiet young man.  He waved if we were outside coming or going and we exchanged small talk.  He shoveled my snow after the 3 day snow storm a few years ago, and I gave him a container of pea soup.  He retaliated by giving me a container of chili.  It was an easy, friendly relationship.  But he was very quiet and kept to himself and so when he left it didn’t really make a whole lot of difference in my life.

 

Then a woman my age moved into that unit.  She came with a cat and two dogs.  She is always out walking the dogs and she loves to talk.  She knows everyone who lives in our area.  But the most notable thing about her…..is that she loves to laugh.  Her giggles and laughs come in through the open windows and I often think how this housing unit has taken on a happier brighter note since she moved in.

 

A couple of weeks ago a new family moved in to the unit across the parking lot…..and the sound and the feel has changed yet again.  They can’t seem to go from the door to the car without some sort of argument.  Angry voices penetrate the silence.  Curses are often heard.  There is an air of tension that underlies their coming and going.

 

Who we are, and how we interact makes such a difference on our environment.

And so I have been reflecting on my own impact on my environment.  

I have been that angry voice, breaking into the silence, shattering the peace.  I’m not proud of those days, but they are  a part of who I am.  And sometimes there are days when the people I interact with push those buttons and I feel those emotions stirring within me.  Fortunately I have grown up, grown in grace, and learned to live with love, but I know that angry person is still inside me.  Hopefully in time, as I learn to walk closer and closer to God I will be able to say that she is gone, but until then, she is a reminder that God’s grace has worked much good in me.

I have also appeared to be that happy go lucky person, always laughing and cheerful.  But in those days that laughter hid a lot of pain.  The same pain that the anger was spewing.  Being overly happy was my way of coping as I learned the new me that was emerging out of God’s  love and warmth.  I often wonder how much of what was behind the mask was visible to others.

Currently, I hope my impact on my environment is positive.  I work from home, so I don’t get out much…Literally….and when I do get out, it is usually a work related event…. like meetings, or worship, or visiting seniors.  Sometimes I feel isolated.  Maybe that’s why I notice the sounds and feelings in my environment so much–simply because I am here so much.

And because I am so aware of how what is inside of us can affect the world around us, it is my prayer that in all things:

God’s grace will rule.
God’s peace will flow.
God’s love will shine.
                    Through me.

My desire is to be the one through whom God fills the environment, and that is why I pray.  Those prayers benefit me because I know that as God fills me and flows in me.  His love has changed me and grown me over the years.  But as he fills me and flows in me he also flows through me and out into the world.
 

Love and forgiveness

Tags

Christianity, forgiveness, God, Jesus, Lent, love, prayer, Religion, spirituality

Today we looked at the parable of the prodigal, and considered the great love the father had for his son, giving him freedom and then waiting with expectant hope for his son’s return.  And when his son did return he ran to meet him and threw his arms around him.  Love compelled forgiveness, even before repentance was offered.

I remember from the classes that Lloyd Gaston taught on the parables that the point of the parable was the thing that made you say, “What” or the thing that upset your balance and understanding.

So today I taught people that love and forgiveness belong together, even more so than repentance and forgiveness.  

If you love someone….forgive.  If they repent later and learn from the mistakes they made well and good, but for the sake of the Kingdom and for your own sake forgive.

That’s what God does.  Let us never forget that when we were yet sinners he sent Jesus to die for us so that we could be assured grace, forgiveness and eternal life.  Love and forgiveness go hand in hand.

Let us pray:

Love and forgiveness

Lord of the ages, God of all eternity
Only you could bring a love so large to the world, a love that made redemption possible
Victory belongs to love and Completion belongs to forgiveness
Eternity seemingly cannot contain the depth and breadth of your love

Alone I walked, alone and lonely
Needing you, and not knowing how to find you
Depending on my own way, woudl never bring me into your love

Fortunately, amazingly, unexpectedly your love found a way
Orphaned by sin your people floundered
Redeemed by grace your people shared the victory of Christ
Generosity marks your character
Inviting us to come in and taste your mercy
Victory was yours, and yet you have given it to us
Enilightening the eyes of our hearts
Nudging us into the joy you have prepared
Eternity is ours
Sweet love is ours forever
Salvation is sweet, and so undeserved.  Thank you God.  Thank you.

 

Lenten Project: Day 20….having faith

Tags

Christianity, faith, God, Jesus, Lent, Mustard Seed, prayer, Trust

One of the things that is so noticeable in the lives of those who followed God, is that they just don’t “get it”… they fail in faith, from Noah to Moses, from Abraham to David  each of them had  failures of faith, times when the crisis of just living overwhelmed the faith that was stirring in their hearts.

So what then does it take to walk in faith?  Surely there must be something that makes faithful living possible… maybe if Jesus was there every day to teach and model and encourage, people would be more able to walk in triumphant faith….. 

If that were so, then the disciples would be shining examples of what faith can be, and yet they too floundered time after time.  Jesus referred to them as people without  hearts or ears to hear.  He chastised them because they didn’t pray with a depth and a passion that would allow them to perform the same miracles that seemed to come so easily for him.  If Jesus was the measuring stick, they came up short every time.

Today in the Lenten Project we were asked to read Matthew 17: 14-21….  a father had brought his son for healing and had asked the disciples for help, but they had been unable to do anything for the boy.  The fact that Jesus was frustrated with them was so evident in his words to the father, spoken so that all around could hear, before he himself healed the boy….

Jesus said, “What a generation! No sense of God! No focus to your lives! How many times do I have to go over these things? How much longer do I have to put up with this? Bring the boy here.” He ordered the afflicting demon out—and it was out, gone. From that moment on the boy was well. (The Message)

You know there are times I want to say those same words in the congregation where I work, and I know I can’t.  As frustrated as I sometimes am by the lack of faith and vision that I see, as much as I wish they would get serous about prayer and find the power of God flowing in their lives, all I can do is encourage them…. because I am just like them.  I don’t always have a glimpse of God’s call.  I don’t always have a vision.  I am often weak in prayer and am missing on the power of God.  I doubt.  I fear.  I fall down in the faith department.

Those words of Jesus, are meant for me as well as for the disciples:

What a generation! No sense of God!

How true that is, even today, even for me.  I don’t sense God fully.  Oh I sometimes get glimpses and when I do I vow to get closer to God and learn to live in that fullness.  But in truth, I am no different that Peter who could boldly proclaim “you are the Messiah, the son of the living God” one day and be told the next “get thee behind me Satan”….No sense of God, how big he is, how powerful he is, how great, grand, generous.  

No focus to your lives!

No focus.  Oh how true that is.  I am famous for half-finished projects.  I get bored with things fairly easily.  Even in mid-prayer I get distracted by the images in my head.  There is a prayer that so aptly describes me…. Dear God, help me to focus on one thing….oh look a bird…. at a time.  How can I expect to grow in faith if even when I am in conversation with God I drift away?  I don’t mean to sound harsh with myself, I realize that I am human with human limitations, but some days I wonder if I’ve shown any spiritual growth at all….

How many times do I have to go over these things?

Have you heard the joke about the minister who preached the same sermon week after week until finally someone complained.  The minister’s response, “When you learn the lesson of this sermon, then I’ll write another one.”  We see that in the life of Jesus.  Over and over again he teaches about faith.  Over and over again he models the importance of retreating and spending prayer time with God.  Over and over again he shows the disciples that faith is a matter of trust.  He is frustrated.  But what I am learning, is that faith and trust and understanding are not intellectual exercises.  Otherwise we would simply learn them.  They are spiritual states of being, and there is so much out there that affects us spiritually.  Our own health.  Our financial pressures.  Our family concerns.  Maintaining a strong state of spiritual being is not an easy matter.  Even Jesus demonstrated a time of weakness, when in the Garden of Gethsemane he prayed for the cup to be taken away from him…. but he did much more than that.  He demonstrated that it is possible to have doubt and to wrestle with disobedience in a faithful manner.  The place to bring those spiritual struggles is to Heaven’s throne.  It makes me feel so much better about the prayers I offered just the other day, when I learned some more bad news….”I can’t do this any longer.  Get me out of this now.”  …. and yet we forget so soon.  I loved what one of the elders said to me yesterday, “I’ll try to remember, but my forgetter is working perfectly these days.”  We are a forgetful generation.  Every generation has been a forgetful generation.  Jesus was frustrated with that forgetfulness.  God was and is frustrated with that forgetfulness, but more importantly, God has great patience with that forgetfulness.  How many times do we need to be taught?  As many times as it takes.  Thank God.

How much longer do I have to put up with this?

Jesus knew, even then that putting up with the feeble stumbling faith of the people, and putting up with the forgetfulness that comes with it, would be something that would last as long as this earth remains.  It is part of the fallen human condition.  But Jesus also knows, that after that final triumphant return that all of this would change.  If he can keep his eye on the prize, maybe we can too…. maybe we can look forward to the day when all things are redeemed and this faithless generation has passed away and all things are new.

For now, all we have is the feeble faith that we put in God.  But we are reminded that this feeble faith is enough….more than enough.  When the boy had been healed and Jesus was alone with his disciples, the lesson continued….

When the disciples had Jesus off to themselves, they asked, “Why couldn’t we throw it out?”

“Because you’re not yet taking God seriously,” said Jesus. “The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, ‘Move!’ and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn’t be able to tackle.”  (The Message)

In the Lenten Project we are asked to think of something that we would change if only we had the faith….

There is so much to tackle isn’t there?  But I believe that it has to start small.  It has to start with me.  And I do believe that I have the faith to walk with God, to grow in love, to gain steadfastness through prayer and to learn how to share God’s grace with those around me.  And if I start there, maybe the rest will follow.

 

 

Lenten Cleansing

Tags

Christianity, Cleansing, God, Jesus, Lent, prayer, Religion, spirituality

These past few weeks I have been getting serious about a project that I have been starting and putting off again for far too long. There are closets and shelves begging to be organized.

And so it began.  And there are definite signs that I am making progress.   And as I do, the confusion grows.  Mounds of books taken off the shelves seem to multiply like rabbits.  The piles to give away teeter and topple.  But that’s not nearly as bad as the pile to be re-read.  I open every book and if I can’t recall the plot by reading the first page, it goes to the “to be read” pile.

That pile however calls my name, and since we have been “enjoying” cabin fever type weather here, (rain, snow, ice, and repeat) it is a delightful break…. to sit and read and enjoy stories long forgotten.  What a perfect reason to procrastinate and curl up under an afghan and enjoy a well written book.  Yet as the books pile up, and the unfinished baby blanket warns me that grandson # 3 is coming soon–only 8 more weeks to go… and more importantly a house guest is coming in a few weeks…. it is time to finish the task and stop taking breaks for a whole day to read.  Those books will still be there….There is work to be done.

I think of Lent as something of a spiritual cleansing time.  A time to pull out of ourselves old habits and behaviors and ask, “are these helpful in the Kingdom of God.”  Certainly my habits of procrastination and distraction that lead to half-completed tasks isn’t helpful at all.  There is much value in deadlines, after all sermons need to be ready before Sunday morning, there are no extensions here.  

There are other habits that are not helpful….

impatience… I confess that I do not have a lot of patience when people don’t change in the ways that I am certain my highly inspired sermons and workshops leading.  How arrogant of me to forget that I am often slow to change when God’s Spirit speaks to me….

Frustration comes to mind.  How can a group of well meaning, intelligent adults behave in such short sighted ways.  Sadly that often leads me to ambivalence when I just think, “Oh well, nothing will change things,” and I forget that with God all things are possible.

Forgetfulness, sadly is often a part of my character make-up, as I forget the God who beckons me to come and sit with him, to talk, to listen and to learn.

Oh and let us not forget, doubt, despair, fear, a lack of faith and and a failure to trust….

But this is Lent, a time for a spiritual housecleaning so that I will be ready to see the glory of the resurrection and proclaim with Mary and the other disciples…. My Lord and My God.

I guess I need to get on with it….