When I was a student at UVic, Fr.Leo, one of the ministers in the chaplain’s office had the following answering machine message….. God alone knows where Leo is. Please leave a message. I always wished I had the courage to leave that message on my machine over the years and now I am beginning to rethink the whole God alone knows scenario, for a whole other reason.
I have realized that my growing anxiety about the future… no new job in the offing, finances that are barely manageable, likely homelessness …… are not only a source of anxiety for me, but also a source of anxiety for the people around me, which in turn raises my anxiety.
I have also ALLOWED that anxiety to interfere with my relationship with God. Less time in prayer. Less time in God’s word…. and the result…. you guessed it…. Growing anxiety.
Yesterday I had a long conversation with my mother, and the only answer I had to every question she had, was “I don’t know”…. Her distress for my situation was discernible, even on the phone. And the only answer I had was one of defeat.
The result…. my anxiety grew.
There is no room for anxiety and faith to co-exist in my life. Probably not in anyone’s life.
So, today I had to go to the city for errands and I stopped by the city park. As I sat by the water, now mercifully clear of ice…. I prayed, not well, as I was too distracted by anxiety, but prayed with more faith and trust than I have in a long time, and I felt a growing tug of faith.
By the time I had finished my errands and was driving back home, I felt a growing sense of calm.
And it was in that calm that I realized that I have a choice on how to answer people’s questions. I can be defeated and say, “I don’t know”…. or I can step out in faith and say, “only God knows”. Neither answer changes my circumstances, but oh how the choice changes me.
Be it resolved: That in regard to my future–GOD ALONE KNOWS.