If you have been reading this blog for the last year or so you know that my life is a roller coaster of hope and expectation, and disappointment and discouragement. Some days my faith is strong, some days I wonder if I am living in denial, and then there are days when I feel as if I live in a bottomless pit.
Yesterday was one of those days. After waiting for months for the government agency to make a decision on my claim for unemployment benefits, I learned yesterday that they have denied them. I am now appealing, and once again fear, disappointment and discouragement became companions on the journey.
This morning I pondered all that is happening, voicing my concerns and giving into my fears. I dreamed of an alternate reality and unrealistic means of ending my problems. I pondered means of manipulating the outcome. Foolishness, really. Then I read from the 7th chapter of Joshua. In the first sentence God says to Joshua, “don’t be afraid or discouraged”. My reaction…. this is just what I don’t want to hear.
I don’t want to to hear the call encouraging me to have faith.
I don’t want to hear that God has a plan that is, as yet, hidden from me.
I don’t want to hear the call to have courage and faith.
That is what this life with God is all about. Courage and faith are keys. So are trust and patience. So is hope and expectation.
So I have spent the morning meditating on the words to Joshua, and I will continue to meditate on them in the days to come. I am not sure yet if I believe them, or if I can live them, but I do believe that they are a message for me. What I have to do from here is what I have been doing for the past year, to keep applying for positions, and trust that one day soon the job I apply for is the job that is for me.